This week — this week is evil. It is our state’s mandatory testing time. Asking children with significant intellectual, and/or emotional maturity delays to take these tests is tantamount to torture — or kicking puppies.
I am having a rough time of it as a result. I am mentally drained, emotionally drained, and my diet has been blown out of the water from the mental stress of proxying these f*ckin things.
April 16 – I came home and cried. My only inner reflections centered on why we were making children with disabilities try to score well on benchmark tests that we already know are leagues ahead of them. Might as well ask a guppy to scale Mt Everest. Oh, wait, the state does ask that…
Breakfast and lunch followed the whole food eating plan. Dinner was Singapore Chow Mai Fun and an eggroll, washed down with two glasses of wine. Troubled dreams this night, mainly due to knowing I had to repeat the day again.
April 17 – Gym was skipped. Mental exhaustion trickled into physical exhaustion. Tears of frustration came freely again. Was able to stick to healthy eating, but did too much of it. Inner reflection spilled out into researching how other (more advanced) countries educate children with special needs. The answer is parallel education (at least in Finland), and seems much more humane than ‘inclusion’ where they are so obviously out of their depths. Again, I felt like I was kicking puppies.
April 18 – Went to the gym after another day of testing. My heart wasn’t in it, and I felt miserable. I felt like the sad souls I had seen there previously. Came home and sat in quiet contemplation, begging the powers that be to help me get through the last day of testing with compassion intact, and without the feeling that I was being paid to mentally torture children.
April 19 – The day was spent repeating “Who is this flower above me? And what is the work of this god?” as I moved through my professional day. Eating was much better, and I did advance prep work for our Special Olympics field trip tomorrow. I still feel emotionally drained from this week, and wonder what (if any) good has been accomplished from this week.
This is me at my lowest. This is the me that will indulge in self-destructive behaviours to escape the pain, because trying to sit in contemplation was almost impossible. This is me realising once more just how f*cked up our educational system is, and thanking the powers that be that my children are already out of it. This is me wishing my gym had a punching bag, because beating the stuffing out of something might have helped me process this pent up energy in a healthier manner. I feel like I’ve retreated and lost ground, but will pick myself up again tomorrow and go back into the fray.